It’s something that everyone has dreamed of doing, but very few actually dare to do: have a friend tell them exactly what’s up with them. Everything that’s wrong. Everything others say behind their backs. In this week’s episode of “Girls,” “Only Child,” Marnie totally went there.


“I guess I just wanted you to, um. I don’t really know how to say this,” she stuttered after bursting into Ray’s apartment. “I wanted you to tell me what’s wrong with me.”


“You are someone who likes to tell people what’s wrong with them anyway, so shoot.”


Girl Girl. Giiiiiirl. Terrible idea.


Marnie’s clearly in the midst of a quarterlife crisis, two breaths away from a restorative juice cleanse and underwater SoulCycle classes that’ll have her claiming that she’s “found her center again,” plus she totally earnestly whispered to a kitten that it was her “best friend,” but that’s no reason for her to go about shattering what little sense of self-worth she has left. (And, hot tip, we’re worried about the chemical implications of exercising that vigorously underwater.)


For posterity, or so that (fictional) Marnie has a list to show her (fictional) therapist, here are all the things that Ray thinks are wrong with Marnie, and some things about her that are OK too. (And stay tuned for a special edition bonus list!)


Everything That’s Wrong With Marnie, According to Ray
» For beginners, you’re extremely judgmental.
» You came in here and you immediately insulted me and my neighborhood.
» You come across like you’re better than everyone and you want no part of their lives, but then when you’re excluded from things, you’re outrageously offended and hold onto this grudge.
» You’re unbearably uptight.
» You use people. You use people a lot. So much so that even when you try to connect and be sincere, it comes across as phony.
» In a nutshell, you’re a huge fat f—— phony.


And Some Things That Are OK About Marnie
» I still like you.
» I think you mean well and I’m old enough to recognize that all this bullshit comes from a deep, dank, dark, toxic well of insecurity, probably created by your absent father. That allows you to be a sympathetic character.
» You are ultimately a good person, Marnie.



Bonus Inventory: Things Marnie Thinks Ray Does
»Read.
»Eat soup.
»Write letters of complaint to local businesses.